The Desk

I was dreaming away on my sleep when it was–


by muffled sounds of sobbing. My mom is crying again.

So I stood up and went to my parents’ bedroom.

there, I saw Dad seating across the bathroom door outside- looking old and worn out.

“She told me it’ll be her last” he explained sleepily.

Her sobs grew louder, I could hear our dog hurrying up the stairs to be with my mom.

“Shall I knock, Dad?” I asked

He said “It’s okay, –

she said it’s the last episode of her Kdrama. ”



Dad doesn’t know…

Season two was just released.






My Badass 2015 Top 10 life lessons

The Desk, Uncategorized

Hey 2015, good bye now. But just wanna say thank you for an amazing year. reminds me of a Wushu Master who lets his student go through hardships in order to become a great fighter. Thank you for chiseling me into becoming a woman I call myself now. Thank you for breaking me into pieces to become a better version of me. To pay tribute, I’ve jotted down my top 10 list of life’s important lessons your year taught me

  1. to forgive even when it is difficult.
  2. to forgive even when you don’t know how.
  3. to forgive even when it was not asked.
  4. to forgive and love myself again.
  5. to be vigilant and cautious before giving trust.
  6. players are everywhere.
  7. standards are ideal
  8. real friends are those who stick with you through your ugly days. Even when your mascara is running down your face from crying and you reek of alcohol.
  9. Love shouldn’t be taken for granted. Nmn
  10. I am capable of love, regardless of age and status. I mustn’t harden myself just because I got hurt.

.. Actually. The list just goes on. These are just by far. My top 10.

Bye 2015, twas an amazing ride. You’ve given me so much tears and happiness. Wisdom and a whole lot of craziness. Thanks for teaching me lessons. I used to hate you so much to be honest, but never expected to appreciate what you brought me. Thank you, you are by far, THE MOST unforgettable year..

Rosette Love

The Desk, Uncategorized

Love, as cliche as it may sound is similar to a rose they say. I am at a point in my life where I’m beginning to understand this metaphor. To love someone is to hurt as it is adoring a rose and getting pricked. Then I asked, how come others can touch a thorny rose without getting hurt while I bask in my own bloodbath? A lot of answers came up, but the best so far is : Honey, that rose is an asshole, doesn’t even belong in your garden. It’s not worthy to be called a rose. As true as I may believe so, the prick still stuns me.
Spending all energy and effort not to mention talent to water that flower which apparently is made out of plastic. That piece of realistically non Bio-degradable material struts around as if it did nothing. Clean conscience. Such creature baffles me and yet I desire for its own goodness. Couldn’t find it in me to speak ill about it; even defended his name.
Everyday is a reminder; every whisper and inside jokes. I sponged them.
A price to pay. For being naked and true to something unreal.

What is Happiness?

The Desk

“What is happiness?
I asked everyday-
while I look at your smile.

How is happiness?
I asked,  while I-
look at mine.”

Happiness? What is it? Where is it? When is it? How is it? Lastly, which is it?
Could it be heard –
On the gasp of a child receiving her first puppy.
Could it be seen –
On the arms of a soldier who had longed for his family after the war.
Could it be felt –
On the face of a woman with a man standing in front of her, knee bent over with a ring.
why is it that happiness is always something that is sought to find ?  always being found to achieve. Can one find happiness after it is lost? Can you say you found it while it remained lost? Can you be happy without happiness? So which is it? How do you define happiness?  Is it possible for happiness without happiness?
I don’t know yet but so far…
I think it is when you let it go. Happiness is holding on to the beautiful memories and letting it go one by one everyday even though it hurts. Happiness is smiling despite the tears. Happiness is accepting defeat against oneself but feeling the triumphed for acceptance. Happiness is when you find it but can never have. Happiness is being there but can never hold. Happiness is closing your eyes trying not see though it is very clear. Happiness is trying to feel numb despite it all. Happiness is now but lives in the past. Happiness is being there while not at the same time. So which is it? How do you define happiness? It’s just simply  letting the one thing that had made you found your happiness find its own though you are not there to cause it. It gives you both joy and tremendous sadness. It is as simple as trying hard  to be happy for happiness to find its happiness.

Confessions of a 5th-wheel

The Desk

Fifth- wheeling. The art of moving on in the sea of couples. When things just kept on tumbling over you.
For some bizarre phenomenon. Whenever we go through an ‘after’ break-up or at least the so called emotional detachment, Cupid would suddenly start shooting arrows to everyone around you.  Everyday the universe would remind you of how pathetic it is being single. You wake up ; wear a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a pair of scissors. A pair this and that. And when you get to work, you’d be with your girlfriends. That’s cool. But during breaks and after-office bond. You are bombarded with the effin powers of Two’s. It’s cool, your troops had just found their halves; conveniently after you have lost yours. No biggie.
Third-wheeling is old school, the bigger the group the better and easier it is to become more bitter about yourself. You’d start walking off in 3’s then eventually you’ll be wandered off a bit inch to give way for their naughty hands to find each other. You’d engage in a group discussion of just about anything; then you slowly find yourself walking behind a pair while they tacitly whisper sweet nothings, to apparently start their own dyad-discussion. What’s more fun, is when you’d go out with the whole troops. We are a troops of 5. Originally, there are only 3. Then Big bang happened so out comes love in unexpected ways: We became 5.  You guessed right! That’s two sets of couple-power and 1 lonely flower. It bites being left out. Especially after you have just been ‘left’. The feelings seem to magnify.  Whenever they cuddle, kiss, play-fight., you are being reminded of the past. How you were and how it should’ve been us.
That’s cool tho. It’s. Part of life. Be Bitter Betty once in a while.  Coz that’s a reminder that you have had precious memories together. You were happy. You loved. Yes, it was over and hell yes it hurts. But you loved. Look past the pain and see the beauty of being hurt. No matter how shitty and how down the hill the love may went. Remember how it made you smile.   You were the Been- there–that girl. True, you miss it. Like badly, more than necessary in fact. But.. Wala eh. Accept Lang. Use that feeling as a reminder, that love is still beautiful to you and that you should not give up on it. See your lovey-doveyd troops and remember how it made you smile. That you once went gaga in love and that you’d want your girlfriends to feel the beauty of love. Let them be, support them. Dont feel bad. But be a proud 5th-wheel instead and be happy for them.

To the Man Who Broke My Heart. Toast! Raise ’em glass high.

To you Sir, I’d like to pour it out. I’m a writer therefore there is so much for me to write than to say. Words couldn’t find me that night we ended what we had. Or at least I thought we had. Having you look at me shattered and weak makes things even worst. It’s how the mighty fall. I couldn’t bear you see how you  broke me. But you did and I wonder what could’ve been going thru that little head of yours. ” do you mock my weakness? Are you proud of it?”
Everyday is an epiphany of emotions, one by one you proved to be the man you told me you never were and never will be. You could’ve at least let me hold on to that lifeline we call Friendship. But you went and tell words to others that shattered me even more. I could never understand how you’d do that to a friend. I wanted so much to heal and mend but seeing you makes all memories flow back to me. All the promises. All the words. The memories. The lies. But I remained docile. Silent.
That’s over now. It’s tiring to have to cry every single day. That’s why for the sake of what little humanity that is left in me. I’d like to say thank you.
Thank you dear. Thank you for picking up the little pieces of me. Though you broke me as did the ones before but worst. I’m Thankful that at least you came at some point to mend me even for a brief moment.
Thank you for falling in and out of love with me. Though brief it may be and I had began to doubt if I had just dreamt it all. You made me felt that I am lovable. That I am an endless possibility of love. That I can love beyond appearances, race, and status.
Thank you for breaking my heart beyond my hurt capacity because for the first time I actually learned how it is to love. I never knew that before. All the little hurts are a pinch compared to this. I never expected to come out of it as shiny as I am now.
Thank you for shattering me. Because for the first time in my 22 years of existence, I’m beginning to love myself without other people’s validation. I don’t need a man beside me to move on. I just need ME. You have no idea how much I’ve spent so far in order to pick myself up again. (a lil around 10k *ehem)
Thank you for catching me after I fell from someone else’s cloud-nine. Though, only having you drop me off from your cliff eventually. Because I’ve learned to value the word Trust. It’s Not as simple as it is. This 5-letter word is too precious to just give away. As simple as it may sound, in every goodness of everyone there will come a time they will hurt you.  But I have not yet lost my trust in humanity. There is no bad in us all, only bad decision.
Thank you for playing with my heart and leaving it to collect dust on the shelf. Because I’ve learned that no matter how long you’ve known someone, there will always be a possibility of chaos. I never wanted to play games. I was very clear at that from the beginning, didn’t I?. But little did I know, I’m already in the game even if I don’t want to. I got played and lost. Without my knowledge and intention to begin with. Now I know better. But I still do not plan on playing. I will not stoop down.
Thank you dear for taking away so much and I know you don’t know that. Because your loss became the greatest gain lil’ 22 year old me would truly appreciate. I see the true meaning of compassion and friendship. I see now, how many people who would not want to see my smile die out. Who still believes that I am still that little ball of Sunshine they’ve always known. For the first time, I see crying over someone else’s shoulders as a strength. You’ve known me. You’ve known how I cope with my struggles. This time it is different. I did different. I am beautifully hurt and loved. Losing just your affection gained me insurmountable love and self love from friends and new- found friends!
Thank you, and for one last time allow me to call you Dear. Because you were dear to me. To see you now and then, I will simply remember the good I once found in you. I’ll use the sad memories as the greatest learning curve for my future. For now. Thank you. Because I love myself more now. And it is an internal decision. Not because someone thinks I am lovable but because I think I Am and guess what!… Heck I am!
Id also like to commend you Sir. It is better to have broken just 1 heart than 2 at the same time. And that 1 happens to be me. The Cj who then joined a spiritual journey simulation of become a missionary. The Cj who had gotten in to FLEX (Foundation for Leadership Excellence) and will now be taking the ALC (Advance Leadership Course). Im good and getting better. I’m not moving on. But I am moving up.
At the end of the day, I can proudly ask myself how I have loved, and I will smile.  I am a canvass of this battle I that I have conquered. You may believe me or you may not, either way.
I am Cj Zhang. My commitment statement I got out from FLEX is: I am a worthy, loving, and forgiving woman.
Thanks for reading


To My Used-To Be. Mr. Would’ve, Could’ve, and Should’ve

The Desk

How to fight bad guys with a Straw.

The Desk

Time has changed. Nowhere is safe. Whether you are crossing the street from Hope or UECP going to Siensi Grace, Masuki or Hwa Ying, vigilance is a must. Especially for those who are commuting up to the wee hours of the night. With the recent crime now arising; kidnappings, the all new ‘hulidap’, and the ever mainstream hold-up Modus Operandi and many more. Telling people to be safe is not enough. Safety is not just a polite greeting you give to people. It is a combination of applied efforts. Thus, I bring you, how to fight bad guys with a STRAW.

Scene: Imagine walking along Pasay Rotonda at 1:00AM, alone. You notice someone has been following you since you got there. You brought your Iphone 6 with you. Heart raising, adrenaline rushing, instinct kicking in. It’s survival mode on. What do you do?

S- Stay calm. At this point, noticing danger approaching often scrambles our brain that keeps us from thinking straight. What valuables do you have with you? How much do you have with you? Is your bag secured? Be aware of yourself and belongings. Know what items can be taken from you in an instant, that is why it is always advisable to separate your money; bills and coins. Pack your Ipads or Iphones on the deepest part of your bags or put your bag in front.

T- Think of escape routes. Be aware of your surroundings. It is good that you notice an impending danger, also notice your environment. What route should you take or detour? Avoid dark alleys or unlit areas, always go where the light is. Seek refuge on open areas for a while, such as convenient stores or 24 hours fast food chains. If the area is unfamiliar to you, try to look for trust-worthy walking companions and walk near them, preferably male, that way just in case you’ll have a convenient bystander who can help you.

R- Reach for make-shift weapons. While this is just for precautions, use your adrenaline rush and resourcefulness to utilize normal items you have in your bag. Your hairspray, cologne, or alcohol perhaps, to temporarily blind the bad guy in case of an assault and not of robbery to buy you time while you flee. Your Tumblers or water bottles, hair brush, ball pen or umbrella for ‘weapons’. Again, this is just for precautions.

A- Abandon Ship. Fighting is never the smartest choice in these situations. Most times, robbers are desperate, brought to the edge by their financial needs. They will not hesitate to hurt you. Be smart, just give them your phone or wallet. Safe way to do it, if possible, is to throw the item away from you instead of handing it straight to them, that way you can safely run. I often separate my bills from my coin purse and put them between the pages of my book. Mainly cause I don’t want it wrinkled, but it is a safe method, or put your money in the most unexpected places. Some put their money in their make-up bags, toiletries, or sometimes undergarments. This way, you’d still have extra money to reach home.

And lastly, W- Why?! I ask, in the first place are you in that wretched area at 1 AM at night walking alone? Whether you had to go overtime at work or went out partying in the streets of Makati, knowing that it is that late of the night. You should not have tried to test the dark murky streets of this dangerous era.

With all said, it will really be of help to be informed. Be aware of the current events. Know the dangers that are currently happening and may arise. Especially for the Filipino-Chinese communities. Do not be complacent, always expect the worst. Be resourceful and smart in your decisions as this may not be applicable to all Modus Operandi situations. Fighting bad guys, or winning in a danger battle even before it arrives is as easy and simple as that of a humble straw, taking safety measures and precautions to decrease the probability of danger. Take an effort to adapt presence of mind, and of course lastly and the most important, to pray for God’s presence and protection through-out your day.

Oh. I forgot.

The Desk


It was a struggle.

as I tried to remember
What I was doing.
Where I was.

What is happening.

It was a                long              corridor.

flash, blood.
thin cold knife. one stroke.
Smile. Flash.
Blood everywhere. I recall screaming. Pleading. He was heartless.

I was scared. That, I remember. for sure.
I was running.
From something.
With someone.
Charlie?! Where are you.

Lights flashed.

There you are!! Charlie!!
What’s wrong?
why are you just
standing there Looking at me like that.?

come on bro, stop mimicking my mov…..

oh.. I forgot.

what a struggle.