To the Man Who Broke My Heart. Toast! Raise ’em glass high.

To you Sir, I’d like to pour it out. I’m a writer therefore there is so much for me to write than to say. Words couldn’t find me that night we ended what we had. Or at least I thought we had. Having you look at me shattered and weak makes things even worst. It’s how the mighty fall. I couldn’t bear you see how you  broke me. But you did and I wonder what could’ve been going thru that little head of yours. ” do you mock my weakness? Are you proud of it?”
Everyday is an epiphany of emotions, one by one you proved to be the man you told me you never were and never will be. You could’ve at least let me hold on to that lifeline we call Friendship. But you went and tell words to others that shattered me even more. I could never understand how you’d do that to a friend. I wanted so much to heal and mend but seeing you makes all memories flow back to me. All the promises. All the words. The memories. The lies. But I remained docile. Silent.
That’s over now. It’s tiring to have to cry every single day. That’s why for the sake of what little humanity that is left in me. I’d like to say thank you.
Thank you dear. Thank you for picking up the little pieces of me. Though you broke me as did the ones before but worst. I’m Thankful that at least you came at some point to mend me even for a brief moment.
Thank you for falling in and out of love with me. Though brief it may be and I had began to doubt if I had just dreamt it all. You made me felt that I am lovable. That I am an endless possibility of love. That I can love beyond appearances, race, and status.
Thank you for breaking my heart beyond my hurt capacity because for the first time I actually learned how it is to love. I never knew that before. All the little hurts are a pinch compared to this. I never expected to come out of it as shiny as I am now.
Thank you for shattering me. Because for the first time in my 22 years of existence, I’m beginning to love myself without other people’s validation. I don’t need a man beside me to move on. I just need ME. You have no idea how much I’ve spent so far in order to pick myself up again. (a lil around 10k *ehem)
Thank you for catching me after I fell from someone else’s cloud-nine. Though, only having you drop me off from your cliff eventually. Because I’ve learned to value the word Trust. It’s Not as simple as it is. This 5-letter word is too precious to just give away. As simple as it may sound, in every goodness of everyone there will come a time they will hurt you.  But I have not yet lost my trust in humanity. There is no bad in us all, only bad decision.
Thank you for playing with my heart and leaving it to collect dust on the shelf. Because I’ve learned that no matter how long you’ve known someone, there will always be a possibility of chaos. I never wanted to play games. I was very clear at that from the beginning, didn’t I?. But little did I know, I’m already in the game even if I don’t want to. I got played and lost. Without my knowledge and intention to begin with. Now I know better. But I still do not plan on playing. I will not stoop down.
Thank you dear for taking away so much and I know you don’t know that. Because your loss became the greatest gain lil’ 22 year old me would truly appreciate. I see the true meaning of compassion and friendship. I see now, how many people who would not want to see my smile die out. Who still believes that I am still that little ball of Sunshine they’ve always known. For the first time, I see crying over someone else’s shoulders as a strength. You’ve known me. You’ve known how I cope with my struggles. This time it is different. I did different. I am beautifully hurt and loved. Losing just your affection gained me insurmountable love and self love from friends and new- found friends!
Thank you, and for one last time allow me to call you Dear. Because you were dear to me. To see you now and then, I will simply remember the good I once found in you. I’ll use the sad memories as the greatest learning curve for my future. For now. Thank you. Because I love myself more now. And it is an internal decision. Not because someone thinks I am lovable but because I think I Am and guess what!… Heck I am!
Id also like to commend you Sir. It is better to have broken just 1 heart than 2 at the same time. And that 1 happens to be me. The Cj who then joined a spiritual journey simulation of become a missionary. The Cj who had gotten in to FLEX (Foundation for Leadership Excellence) and will now be taking the ALC (Advance Leadership Course). Im good and getting better. I’m not moving on. But I am moving up.
At the end of the day, I can proudly ask myself how I have loved, and I will smile.  I am a canvass of this battle I that I have conquered. You may believe me or you may not, either way.
I am Cj Zhang. My commitment statement I got out from FLEX is: I am a worthy, loving, and forgiving woman.
Thanks for reading

 

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