Flashback

Flashback

to high school

They were–

 

Laughing.

I hear it. So loud and clear-

In my head.

 

Here we go again,

I said. Please make it stop

My heart-

 

Can’t take it

My mind can’t hold it.

 

It plays a thousand times at a speed I cannot catch-

to

Stop.

 

Crying

With no tears. heart  pounding-

Out of my chest.

 

Their words are words-

But not to me

Their thoughts are thoughts-

But they make me bleed

Their eyes of nothing more but glance-

To me they burn with glare

Their joy echoes as laughter

On its way

To me.

 

It’s all in  my head. Yes.

It’s a flashback that repeats.

 

 

———–Let it go

——————–Forget about it

——————————Get over it

 

All these words sound so painful to me-

as it was being the only solution to my problem.

The feeling falls like a domino on me

that a single piece can destroy my word.

———–Let it go

——————–Forget about it

——————————Get over it

All these words feel like empty gifts.

A default beautiful gift but holds no meaning inside.

Easier said than done.

They don’t know what it’s like. Nobody knows what it’s like in here.

 

Let.     it.     go.

Feels like a barb wire that holds tighter every time I hear it.

Forget.     about.     it.

Feels like a vision in reel playing over and over again in my head. Non-stop.

Get.        over.     it.

Feels like a hurdle I cannot jump to. A huge pile of nothing – but it is there.

 

They don’t know that-

sometimes I just want to let myself go.

To Forget about me.

so let me get this over.

Addiction

I was dreaming away on my sleep when it was–

interrupted

by muffled sounds of sobbing. My mom is crying again.

So I stood up and went to my parents’ bedroom.

there, I saw Dad seating across the bathroom door outside- looking old and worn out.

“She told me it’ll be her last” he explained sleepily.

Her sobs grew louder, I could hear our dog hurrying up the stairs to be with my mom.

“Shall I knock, Dad?” I asked

He said “It’s okay, –

she said it’s the last episode of her Kdrama. ”

 

 

Dad doesn’t know…

Season two was just released.

 

 

 

 

..

Sometimes
Giving too much
Leaves you
Empty handed

a drop can break rocks

 

PAGIBIG Chronicles ni Chameme

Minsan sa buhay natin, may darating na hindi mo aakalain. Hindi mo hiningi. Hindi mo rin inantay. Chill ka lang sa kinalalagyan mong Space habang unti unting bumabangon mula sa iyong nakaraan. At nung dumating iyon, para siyang Switch na Nag papaTurn On sa lahat lahat ng pagkatao mo. Mga bagay na di mo sukat akalaing magagawa mo, napaka-Automatic nalang ngayon. Samut-Saring pag lalabag na sa iyong BRO-Code ang nagagawa mo mula nang dumating siya. Wala e, tinamaan ka. Ganon raw talaga iyon. Sa pagkakataong ito, lahat ng mga bagay na nagawa at hind nagawa sa dati, binubuhos dito. Andun ang takot masaktan at naroon rin ang handang magsugal. Pag success ehdi WOW, pag hindi… charge to experience nanaman.

Lahat naman nagumpisa sa Forever. Wala namang papasok sa relasyon at hahangarin agad ang katapusan nito. Ngunit, naroon ang reyalidad. Magpaparamdam at magpaparamdam talaga iyan. Hindi sapat ang Mahal Ko at Mahal Ako Concept. Kelangan gamitin ang utak. Kasabay nito ang isang matinding salitang Effort. Effort talaga ang magmahal. Hindi sapat na mahal lang, walang effort para patakbuhin ito. Ang Love hindi lang puro kilig.  Kung yun lang hanap mo ehdi sana, nagpa kuryente ka nalang o di kaya subukang pigilan ang ihi mo ng matagal at pag di na kaya tsaka mo ilabas. Yun’ ang KILIG talaga.

Effort. Effort. Madali lang raw iyan, Consistency daw ang mahirap. Oo, totoo yan.  Yun ang tunay na challenge sa salitang Effort. Hindi porket matagal na kayo o panatag na sa isa’t-isa eh, keme –keme nalang. Aba’y di pwede yan Chong’. Lagyan mo ng thrill, sweetness, bitterness, kung pwede pa nga. Anghang para walang sawaan.

Kasama rin dito ang hangaring mapabuti ang kapareha. Sa oras na pinasok mo ang yugtong ito, hindi na IKAW ang usapan. KAYO na.  Importanteng Ibuild up siya towards betterment. Ika nga, push him to be what he is capable of.  Kung kelangang gumising ng mas maaga para gisingin siya at nang hindi ma-Late. O kaya naman, Kurutin sa tenga para lang mag Church. Lahat ng ikabuButi para sa kanya- hangarin at gawin mo. Minsan, pwedeng hindi niya ito gugustuhin, pero kung iyon ay alam mong para sa kanyang ikabubuti. Why Not, Choc-Nut diba? Dapat malayo ang bato, dapat pang hinaharap na ang Focus sa mga bagay bagay, hindi sapat na isipin at magpakaEnjoy ka lang sa kung anu merun ngyon. Dapat mag-ala Madame Auring ka sa mga pangyayari. Isipin ang hinaharap. Always want the best for the other and for the both of you. Uulitin ko lang ang paborito kong line mula sa Terror ngunit genius kong Prof nung College na si Thor-Mentor “Malayo dapat ang Bato, guiizze. “

Hindi porket Buy1-take1 package na eh babaliwalain na ang kanya kanyang mundo. Kung ang Araw at Buwan ay nagpakasal at naging housewife nalang si Araw, papano na init sa Earth?? Ang punto ko, we all have our own worlds. We should still continue to strive to make OURSELVES better. Para rin naman ito sa iyong partner.  Hayaan siyang mag Basketball with the boys; GO. Manood ng PBA; GO. hilig niya yun eh, wag kang epal, malay mo naman, pwede siyang future MVP sa PBA, e balakid ka. Maging personal cheerleader ng isat-isa Minus the pompons and short kinky skirts haha.  Ituloy mong gawin ang dati mong ginagawa; pagsusulat, pagkanta, musika, lakwatsa pero with consent and approval na may 30 days Notice and Date-Leave Credits XD. Ang naiba lang naman eh. Nadagdagan ka lang ng isa pang papel sa buhay.  Pero ikaw parin yan, sa ganyan ka niya minahal eh kung magbago at mawala yan, Who You Na?!

 

Masarap daw ang pagibig. Totoo naman. Masarap ngumiti nang walang dahilan. Masarap ang feeling na may biglang hahalik sa noo mo. Ganon talaga eh, humahava ang hair. Pero wag masyadong padala. Gamiting ang utak. Maging mature sa mga bagay bagay. Magmahal na walag masyadong ineexpect, lagyan ng adventure ang buhay, ituloy mo lang ang takbo ng mundo mo habang sabay kayong umiikot sa bago ninyong Orbit at higit sa lahat pagyamanin ang buhay ng isat-isa.

 

Salamat sa pagbabasa. Ikaw, ano sa tingin mo?

 

 

 

 

My Badass 2015 Top 10 life lessons

Hey 2015, good bye now. But just wanna say thank you for an amazing year. reminds me of a Wushu Master who lets his student go through hardships in order to become a great fighter. Thank you for chiseling me into becoming a woman I call myself now. Thank you for breaking me into pieces to become a better version of me. To pay tribute, I’ve jotted down my top 10 list of life’s important lessons your year taught me

1. to forgive even when it is difficult.
2. to forgive even when you don’t know how.
3. to forgive even when it was not asked.
4. to forgive and love myself again.
5. to be vigilant and cautious before giving trust.
6. players are everywhere.
7. standards are ideal
8. real friends are those who stick with you through your ugly days. Even when your mascara is running down your face from crying and you reek of alcohol.
9. Love shouldn’t be taken for granted. Nmn
10. I am capable of love, regardless of age and status. I mustn’t harden myself just because I got hurt.

.. Actually. The list just goes on. These are just by far. My top 10.

Bye 2015, twas an amazing ride. You’ve given me so much tears and happiness. Wisdom and a whole lot of craziness. Thanks for teaching me lessons. I used to hate you so much to be honest, but never expected to appreciate what you brought me. Thank you, you are by far, THE MOST unforgettable year..

Rosette Love

Love, as cliche as it may sound is similar to a rose they say. I am at a point in my life where I’m beginning to understand this metaphor. To love someone is to hurt as it is adoring a rose and getting pricked. Then I asked, how come others can touch a thorny rose without getting hurt while I bask in my own bloodbath? A lot of answers came up, but the best so far is : Honey, that rose is an asshole, doesn’t even belong in your garden. It’s not worthy to be called a rose. As true as I may believe so, the prick still stuns me.
Spending all energy and effort not to mention talent to water that flower which apparently is made out of plastic. That piece of realistically non Bio-degradable material struts around as if it did nothing. Clean conscience. Such creature baffles me and yet I desire for its own goodness. Couldn’t find it in me to speak ill about it; even defended his name.
Everyday is a reminder; every whisper and inside jokes. I sponged them.
A price to pay. For being naked and true to something unreal.

CJ’s Christmas morning

This morning
I woke up ;
To a breeze for all to feel,
In a bed the size of queen.
I woke up;
To a feast for a feast of five
A plateful fit for four
A table meant for three
In this house the size of two’s
All for me;
for a set fit-
for one.
-Cj

What is Happiness?

“What is happiness?
I asked everyday-
while I look at your smile.

How is happiness?
I asked,  while I-
look at mine.”

Happiness? What is it? Where is it? When is it? How is it? Lastly, which is it?
Could it be heard –
On the gasp of a child receiving her first puppy.
Could it be seen –
On the arms of a soldier who had longed for his family after the war.
Could it be felt –
On the face of a woman with a man standing in front of her, knee bent over with a ring.
why is it that happiness is always something that is sought to find ?  always being found to achieve. Can one find happiness after it is lost? Can you say you found it while it remained lost? Can you be happy without happiness? So which is it? How do you define happiness?  Is it possible for happiness without happiness?
I don’t know yet but so far…
I think it is when you let it go. Happiness is holding on to the beautiful memories and letting it go one by one everyday even though it hurts. Happiness is smiling despite the tears. Happiness is accepting defeat against oneself but feeling the triumphed for acceptance. Happiness is when you find it but can never have. Happiness is being there but can never hold. Happiness is closing your eyes trying not see though it is very clear. Happiness is trying to feel numb despite it all. Happiness is now but lives in the past. Happiness is being there while not at the same time. So which is it? How do you define happiness? It’s just simply  letting the one thing that had made you found your happiness find its own though you are not there to cause it. It gives you both joy and tremendous sadness. It is as simple as trying hard  to be happy for happiness to find its happiness.

Confessions of a 5th-wheel

Fifth- wheeling. The art of moving on in the sea of couples. When things just kept on tumbling over you.
For some bizarre phenomenon. Whenever we go through an ‘after’ break-up or at least the so called emotional detachment, Cupid would suddenly start shooting arrows to everyone around you.  Everyday the universe would remind you of how pathetic it is being single. You wake up ; wear a pair of pants, a pair of shoes, a pair of scissors. A pair this and that. And when you get to work, you’d be with your girlfriends. That’s cool. But during breaks and after-office bond. You are bombarded with the effin powers of Two’s. It’s cool, your troops had just found their halves; conveniently after you have lost yours. No biggie.
Third-wheeling is old school, the bigger the group the better and easier it is to become more bitter about yourself. You’d start walking off in 3’s then eventually you’ll be wandered off a bit inch to give way for their naughty hands to find each other. You’d engage in a group discussion of just about anything; then you slowly find yourself walking behind a pair while they tacitly whisper sweet nothings, to apparently start their own dyad-discussion. What’s more fun, is when you’d go out with the whole troops. We are a troops of 5. Originally, there are only 3. Then Big bang happened so out comes love in unexpected ways: We became 5.  You guessed right! That’s two sets of couple-power and 1 lonely flower. It bites being left out. Especially after you have just been ‘left’. The feelings seem to magnify.  Whenever they cuddle, kiss, play-fight., you are being reminded of the past. How you were and how it should’ve been us.
That’s cool tho. It’s. Part of life. Be Bitter Betty once in a while.  Coz that’s a reminder that you have had precious memories together. You were happy. You loved. Yes, it was over and hell yes it hurts. But you loved. Look past the pain and see the beauty of being hurt. No matter how shitty and how down the hill the love may went. Remember how it made you smile.   You were the Been- there–that girl. True, you miss it. Like badly, more than necessary in fact. But.. Wala eh. Accept Lang. Use that feeling as a reminder, that love is still beautiful to you and that you should not give up on it. See your lovey-doveyd troops and remember how it made you smile. That you once went gaga in love and that you’d want your girlfriends to feel the beauty of love. Let them be, support them. Dont feel bad. But be a proud 5th-wheel instead and be happy for them.