Flashback

Flashback

to high school

They were–

 

Laughing.

I hear it. So loud and clear-

In my head.

 

Here we go again,

I said. Please make it stop

My heart-

 

Can’t take it

My mind can’t hold it.

 

It plays a thousand times at a speed I cannot catch-

to

Stop.

 

Crying

With no tears. heart  pounding-

Out of my chest.

 

Their words are words-

But not to me

Their thoughts are thoughts-

But they make me bleed

Their eyes of nothing more but glance-

To me they burn with glare

Their joy echoes as laughter

On its way

To me.

 

It’s all in  my head. Yes.

It’s a flashback that repeats.

 

 

———–Let it go

——————–Forget about it

——————————Get over it

 

All these words sound so painful to me-

as it was being the only solution to my problem.

The feeling falls like a domino on me

that a single piece can destroy my word.

———–Let it go

——————–Forget about it

——————————Get over it

All these words feel like empty gifts.

A default beautiful gift but holds no meaning inside.

Easier said than done.

They don’t know what it’s like. Nobody knows what it’s like in here.

 

Let.     it.     go.

Feels like a barb wire that holds tighter every time I hear it.

Forget.     about.     it.

Feels like a vision in reel playing over and over again in my head. Non-stop.

Get.        over.     it.

Feels like a hurdle I cannot jump to. A huge pile of nothing – but it is there.

 

They don’t know that-

sometimes I just want to let myself go.

To Forget about me.

so let me get this over.

..

Sometimes
Giving too much
Leaves you
Empty handed

a drop can break rocks

 

PAGIBIG Chronicles ni Chameme

Minsan sa buhay natin, may darating na hindi mo aakalain. Hindi mo hiningi. Hindi mo rin inantay. Chill ka lang sa kinalalagyan mong Space habang unti unting bumabangon mula sa iyong nakaraan. At nung dumating iyon, para siyang Switch na Nag papaTurn On sa lahat lahat ng pagkatao mo. Mga bagay na di mo sukat akalaing magagawa mo, napaka-Automatic nalang ngayon. Samut-Saring pag lalabag na sa iyong BRO-Code ang nagagawa mo mula nang dumating siya. Wala e, tinamaan ka. Ganon raw talaga iyon. Sa pagkakataong ito, lahat ng mga bagay na nagawa at hind nagawa sa dati, binubuhos dito. Andun ang takot masaktan at naroon rin ang handang magsugal. Pag success ehdi WOW, pag hindi… charge to experience nanaman.

Lahat naman nagumpisa sa Forever. Wala namang papasok sa relasyon at hahangarin agad ang katapusan nito. Ngunit, naroon ang reyalidad. Magpaparamdam at magpaparamdam talaga iyan. Hindi sapat ang Mahal Ko at Mahal Ako Concept. Kelangan gamitin ang utak. Kasabay nito ang isang matinding salitang Effort. Effort talaga ang magmahal. Hindi sapat na mahal lang, walang effort para patakbuhin ito. Ang Love hindi lang puro kilig.  Kung yun lang hanap mo ehdi sana, nagpa kuryente ka nalang o di kaya subukang pigilan ang ihi mo ng matagal at pag di na kaya tsaka mo ilabas. Yun’ ang KILIG talaga.

Effort. Effort. Madali lang raw iyan, Consistency daw ang mahirap. Oo, totoo yan.  Yun ang tunay na challenge sa salitang Effort. Hindi porket matagal na kayo o panatag na sa isa’t-isa eh, keme –keme nalang. Aba’y di pwede yan Chong’. Lagyan mo ng thrill, sweetness, bitterness, kung pwede pa nga. Anghang para walang sawaan.

Kasama rin dito ang hangaring mapabuti ang kapareha. Sa oras na pinasok mo ang yugtong ito, hindi na IKAW ang usapan. KAYO na.  Importanteng Ibuild up siya towards betterment. Ika nga, push him to be what he is capable of.  Kung kelangang gumising ng mas maaga para gisingin siya at nang hindi ma-Late. O kaya naman, Kurutin sa tenga para lang mag Church. Lahat ng ikabuButi para sa kanya- hangarin at gawin mo. Minsan, pwedeng hindi niya ito gugustuhin, pero kung iyon ay alam mong para sa kanyang ikabubuti. Why Not, Choc-Nut diba? Dapat malayo ang bato, dapat pang hinaharap na ang Focus sa mga bagay bagay, hindi sapat na isipin at magpakaEnjoy ka lang sa kung anu merun ngyon. Dapat mag-ala Madame Auring ka sa mga pangyayari. Isipin ang hinaharap. Always want the best for the other and for the both of you. Uulitin ko lang ang paborito kong line mula sa Terror ngunit genius kong Prof nung College na si Thor-Mentor “Malayo dapat ang Bato, guiizze. “

Hindi porket Buy1-take1 package na eh babaliwalain na ang kanya kanyang mundo. Kung ang Araw at Buwan ay nagpakasal at naging housewife nalang si Araw, papano na init sa Earth?? Ang punto ko, we all have our own worlds. We should still continue to strive to make OURSELVES better. Para rin naman ito sa iyong partner.  Hayaan siyang mag Basketball with the boys; GO. Manood ng PBA; GO. hilig niya yun eh, wag kang epal, malay mo naman, pwede siyang future MVP sa PBA, e balakid ka. Maging personal cheerleader ng isat-isa Minus the pompons and short kinky skirts haha.  Ituloy mong gawin ang dati mong ginagawa; pagsusulat, pagkanta, musika, lakwatsa pero with consent and approval na may 30 days Notice and Date-Leave Credits XD. Ang naiba lang naman eh. Nadagdagan ka lang ng isa pang papel sa buhay.  Pero ikaw parin yan, sa ganyan ka niya minahal eh kung magbago at mawala yan, Who You Na?!

 

Masarap daw ang pagibig. Totoo naman. Masarap ngumiti nang walang dahilan. Masarap ang feeling na may biglang hahalik sa noo mo. Ganon talaga eh, humahava ang hair. Pero wag masyadong padala. Gamiting ang utak. Maging mature sa mga bagay bagay. Magmahal na walag masyadong ineexpect, lagyan ng adventure ang buhay, ituloy mo lang ang takbo ng mundo mo habang sabay kayong umiikot sa bago ninyong Orbit at higit sa lahat pagyamanin ang buhay ng isat-isa.

 

Salamat sa pagbabasa. Ikaw, ano sa tingin mo?

 

 

 

 

My Badass 2015 Top 10 life lessons

Hey 2015, good bye now. But just wanna say thank you for an amazing year. reminds me of a Wushu Master who lets his student go through hardships in order to become a great fighter. Thank you for chiseling me into becoming a woman I call myself now. Thank you for breaking me into pieces to become a better version of me. To pay tribute, I’ve jotted down my top 10 list of life’s important lessons your year taught me

1. to forgive even when it is difficult.
2. to forgive even when you don’t know how.
3. to forgive even when it was not asked.
4. to forgive and love myself again.
5. to be vigilant and cautious before giving trust.
6. players are everywhere.
7. standards are ideal
8. real friends are those who stick with you through your ugly days. Even when your mascara is running down your face from crying and you reek of alcohol.
9. Love shouldn’t be taken for granted. Nmn
10. I am capable of love, regardless of age and status. I mustn’t harden myself just because I got hurt.

.. Actually. The list just goes on. These are just by far. My top 10.

Bye 2015, twas an amazing ride. You’ve given me so much tears and happiness. Wisdom and a whole lot of craziness. Thanks for teaching me lessons. I used to hate you so much to be honest, but never expected to appreciate what you brought me. Thank you, you are by far, THE MOST unforgettable year..

Rosette Love

Love, as cliche as it may sound is similar to a rose they say. I am at a point in my life where I’m beginning to understand this metaphor. To love someone is to hurt as it is adoring a rose and getting pricked. Then I asked, how come others can touch a thorny rose without getting hurt while I bask in my own bloodbath? A lot of answers came up, but the best so far is : Honey, that rose is an asshole, doesn’t even belong in your garden. It’s not worthy to be called a rose. As true as I may believe so, the prick still stuns me.
Spending all energy and effort not to mention talent to water that flower which apparently is made out of plastic. That piece of realistically non Bio-degradable material struts around as if it did nothing. Clean conscience. Such creature baffles me and yet I desire for its own goodness. Couldn’t find it in me to speak ill about it; even defended his name.
Everyday is a reminder; every whisper and inside jokes. I sponged them.
A price to pay. For being naked and true to something unreal.

When I finally chose not to wait.

The day I decide to stop waiting.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the drama. My life back when I was a student isn’t as tormenting as it is now that I am working. No more. My brakes are pulled. So I lost my Mr. Would’ve- Could’ve-Should’ve, I gotta move up.  No more Miss hopeless romantic. 😃 it’s time for a new chapter-  but with a new strategy.
I won’t wait for the right guy to come along like a knight in shining armor. With flashing red carpet , spotlight, and glitters. I will just let him come along. No more waiting. I’ll leave it all in time. If it comes so shall it be. If it doesn’t , then that is okay. I am no damsel in distress. I won’t send out distress signal for available singles in the area. I am not that desperate.  I’m fine. I’m going spend what little energy that’s left of me to heal and love myself more. Apparently, loving oneself is a much more bigger task than loving someone else. I easily fell for someone whom I never expected to fall with. And damn, did I fell – on cold, hard, painful concrete. Haha anyway.. As of this writing, I’m still learning to love me. It ain’t easy. I have lapses time to time. I’ll allow myself to focus on being Miss Right to my future Mister Right ( hopeless romantic ehem*).

To my fellow singles, let’s not wait. There is nothing to wait for. In life, there is never really anything to be ready for. We can never really be prepared to what is coming. Love comes by unexpectedly. Do not go looking for love to fill the void that was emptied. Do not force it. Do not stay stagnant while waiting for the next ride of relationship to pass by. Use this quiet time to be a better version of You. Be a 2.0 version of you!. Forget about love for now (intimate love) and start loving yourself! Be with friends and family more. Invest on those. Their rebate is bigger and much more certain.t

So we got hurt. We can always love . Ang importante babangon. Pero for now, love gotta start from us.

An HR’s Guide to PAGIBIG and Dating.

SOON

 

valentines 2015.

Minsan ang LRT parang pagibig lang, nag-aabang ka sa platform nang hindi mo alam kelan darating pero alam mong darating. At pag dumating, magdedesisyon ka, sasakyan mo ang pagibig na dumating? makikipag sapalaran at makikipagsisikan? o hahayaan mong lumipas ito at abangan ang susunod na kabanata?

 

 

LRT, riding trains in the Philippines is similar to going to war everyday. Once the beeping starts, the doors slides open. Everyone who ever watched the movie 300, would shout in their heads, ‘This is Spartaaa’. Like a Chinese that I am, I have formulated my own art of war. Still finishing my outline of it. Coming soon.

Companions

 

With my frequent dependence on the LRT I’ve began to make companions. Although not really friends, but just familiar companions. I often get to ride with the same set of people every day that every morning feels like high school again. You know him, but by face, and you don’t talk at all. A simple quick glance of acknowledgement will do. It’s like life, you get to meet people and one day you will part ways. Sometimes, you get to see these people from a far all the time but you will meet each other. (this reminds me of Algebra).